My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
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My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
BaD BoY!!
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!