Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Oh my god

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.