My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.