My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
You are not alone 💚
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Weighing up my bread heating options
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
