My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
a fate I wish upon no one
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also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.