My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
i can’t work under these festive conditions
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
📽️movie date🎞️
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples