My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”