My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.