My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.