My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
You Might Also Like
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
ok like just. call me at this point
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.