My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.