My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
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My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.