@PJTLynch

My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

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@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@squirrel74wkgn

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

@noog

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

@TheCattyLady

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

@BuckyIsotope

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

@smerobin

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

@celticrose2312

I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.

@tomw1984

I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space

@catstronomical

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]