Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
You Might Also Like
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.
I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.
*throws knife, misses map.*
Space, I’m going to space
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food