I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”