My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…