Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.