My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.