My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Who knew!
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.