Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer