My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
You Might Also Like
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
The best shot in the history of golf
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.