My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
O Wise One….
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now