My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Wake me when AI does housework
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
This will never not be funny to me.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country