Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.