My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
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[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
forgive me baja for i have blast
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”