My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
emergency phone
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
*watches the world burn*
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy