My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope