Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time