My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You Might Also Like
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
car not found
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I just love that new Pope smell.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*