Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.