My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
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Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.