My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right