Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.