My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.