My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…