My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
How animals would run if they were human
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
