My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Maths meets science
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Based Erika
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
