My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
