My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
You Might Also Like
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we鈥檙e seeing one another.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there鈥檚 a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
If someone says they鈥檙e a lover not a fighter it鈥檚 completely legal to punch them to see if it鈥檚 true.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I find as I get older it鈥檚 the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I SAID YES!!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲馃拲 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍 someone asked if I was alone for valentine鈥檚 day!!!
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Got a light
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?