My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
titanic
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.