My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Super Hand Dog Face
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Never go to sleep after making me angry
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III