Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

☺️

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.