Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS