Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?