my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.