Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

greetings!

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.