Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

this is uni

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals