Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.