Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]