Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …