My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted