My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
wut hotdog?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court