Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.