My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?