My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.