My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
That’s amazing.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state