My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
LOL
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲