Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”