My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex