Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

I triple waxed for this?

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.