Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.