My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
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I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Happy Thanksgiving
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.