Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection