Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Your honor, I refer you to the precedent setting landmark case of Smelt It vs Dealt It.