@RatBatallion

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

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@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@Dawn_M_

I stepped on two raccoons today, but I’m just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.

@SuitableHolmes

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

@Boba_Photo

I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.

@iamspacegirl

*ring*

Mrs. Rabbit: Hello?

Mr. McGregor: Your kid’s in my yard again.

Mrs. Rabbit: Oh i’m so sorry, is he-

Mr. McGregor: yea he’s naked

@TheToddWilliams

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

@GrowlyGrego

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.