My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

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“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match


They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.


“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.


*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!


Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.


*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*


me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change


What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best