@RatBatallion

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

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@famouscrab

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@JPLFR80

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

@Not0nDrugs

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

@KKAlThani

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*

@BlindChow

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best