I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Today’s Times
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: how are you
Friday: good
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.