Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when dads have a rap battle

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer