My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.