Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

That’s no pocket rocket.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?