My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?