My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Inside you there are two wolves
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…