My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
crying
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?