My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]