Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Effort made

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

We’ve come full circle

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above