My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”