My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
A short story about romance.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.