Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Life is a suicide mission.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.