Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

“and how does that make you feel?”

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.