Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

Bring back the McRib

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

i actually laughed 😩

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.