My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
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Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭