My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”