My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Watson was Holmes schooled
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.