@flower_punk

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

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@OctopusCaveman

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

@Daveastated

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

@BahuWrites

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

@BigJDubz

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

@KeetPotato

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

@girlwit0filter

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?