My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
🤣😂🤣😂
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
