My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[shakes fist at other fist]
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?