My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
That time Alicia messaged me
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
